I have very publicly documented my struggle with this very lifestyle ("Education vs. Calling" - Home Keeps Moving). Since I left home aged 18, I enjoyed a decade of fast-paced, frenetic travel and adventure - moving continually. That was the natural flow from my highly transient upbringing and I thrived. So what to do when the gushing river trickles into a stream?
I have entered a prolonged season of settledness (by my standards). I have been in London now for 4 1/2 consecutive years, albeit in 4 different houses. We now own a flat - coming up to the 1st anniversary of purchasing our very own slice of London. Our cat is just about to turn one and my husband continues to thrive at his job. I have done quite well, managed to find part-time jobs and charities to keep my mind from wandering to Asia too frequently. Life is good...we have everything we need, we live well, we manage to go on regular holidays and tick off new countries. But am I fulfilled? No. Will I ever be fulfilled? Probably not. I have had glimpses of being fully content in life but even those were short-lived and possibly something down to the folly of youth.
Truth is, one of the biggest struggles as a result of my missionary kid upbringing is this inherent drive to make a difference in the world. It isn't so much an expectation placed upon me as something that is embedded deep within. There is almost a slight guilt of living the simple life without helping the needy (something my heart longs for). Something I fear I will never shake off. Nor is it a negative thing...I think it is healthy to battle the harness of apathy - to challenge yourself and ensure you are still growing. However, when that questioning pops up on a daily or weekly basis, it becomes hard to be content within your current situation.
I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably always feel restless, always want to be somewhere else, that I will always feel somewhat like an outsider -- yet living with this constant drive to find fulfillment is a really tough one. It throws up a lot of questions for which I don't have the answers to.
As someone at a lecture I once attended said, "I used to think in black in white. The older I become, the more I realise there is only grey".